Monsters.

All of this may sound cliched. Because everyone writes and talks about their mental illnesses, it isn't a big secret for the world when another young human comes forward to say "Something is wrong with me." They just send them to the doctors, the ones who don't say anything take to substance or self harm. It's something we see so often. Something that has become normal. Some romanticize it, while others mock it, but it is known, it may still be a taboo to some degree, but it is known.
Each of us have our own monsters.
I want to talk about mine.

Mine consumes me. Sometimes I can make it go away, for a few weeks at a time. But it always comes back, at the worst times. And it isn't pretty. It scares me. I'm always afraid it'll show up and then I won't know what to do.

I feel like pulling my hair out, I want to scratch my skin off, I just don't want to be near myself when the monster comes to town.

I cry. I sob. I yell.

I hurt people. I hurt a lot of people. I make bad decisions. I know I am making bad decisions and yet I don't stop myself, and then I feel guilt. So much guilt. A sea of guilt that I just want to drown myself in. Drown myself. I can't even drown myself because I've been a swimmer since I was five years old. I wanted to drown myself since I was eleven.

I've gone for therapy, I've taken pills, I've gone to a healer.
I've made friends. I've had a lot of sex.
I've gotten shitfaced. I've gotten stoned.

Momentary distractions, some not even distracting but instead instigating the monster to come take me.
I don't know if it will ever go away. If I will ever be able to fight it.
All I know is that it takes away a part of me every time it comes to play. And I don't know if I will get to the pieces in time. Sometimes the monster stays for months. Sometimes for a few minutes.
I just want it to leave me alone. But then sometimes I wonder who I would be without it, would I be who I am now?

The problem is, I don't know what is wrong with me. Why the monster exists? Why it wants me so bad? Why do I have to be the victim of it's mind games? And does it not realize that there is collateral damage?

If I could I would kill it. I wonder if killing myself would make it go away. I am not allowed to kill myself. They won't let me. It would put the monster to sleep, but then I wouldn't be left here either.
But isn't it for the greater good? No more damage. No more pain.

I'm just exhausted.
So exhausted.
Tired.
Fighting a losing battle.

I'll never be alone.

I will always have the monster.